Holding On To Each Other: Marriage & Special Needs Parenting

Hey y’all, welcome back to Holy Ground Parenting.

This week’s episode is a special one—as my husband Stephen and I celebrate 10 years of marriage, I’ve been reflecting on what it really looks like to stay connected through the ups and downs of special needs parenting.

Marriage is a journey in itself, but when you add in the stress, exhaustion, and unpredictability that can come with raising a child with extra needs, it can stretch your relationship in ways you didn’t expect.

In this episode, I’m sharing honestly about what that has looked like for us—the hard seasons, the growth, and the ways we’ve had to learn to lean on God and on each other. Our scriptures this week are Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 and Colossians 3:13. 

We talk about how we’re not the same people we were 10 years ago, and how in many ways, we’ve grown up together through every season life has brought our way.

If you’re in a season where your marriage feels strained, tired, or just different than it used to be, I hope this episode encourages you.

Because even in the hard seasons, God is still at work—strengthening, refining, and holding it all together.

God doesn't call us to be perfect, He just wants us to keep showing up. You are not alone in this.

Transcript

Marie 0:03

Hey y'all. Welcome back to Holy Grown Parenting. I'm your host, Marie Kennedy. I'm really glad you're here. Today's episode is a really special one because this week my husband Steven and I are celebrating, or this past week, really, um, we celebrated 10 years of marriage. And I've been reflecting a lot on what those 10 years have looked like, especially the parts that were shaped by special needs parenting. And um and instead of just talking about it from my own perspective, I wanted y'all to hear from him too. So uh as most of y'all already know, Steven is my husband of almost of 10 years, the dad who is always the the fun one being climbed on and chased around the house and doing all the fun things, and you know, he's he's the fun parent. Uh, and honestly, watching the way that he loves our kids, I've said this before, but watching the way that he loves our kids has made me love him even more over the years. And I wanted to do this episode because I don't think that people talk enough about marriage in special needs parenting. So I wanted to talk about that uh perspective from my from my perspective, but also from his. So Steven is joining me today. Hey, babe, welcome.

Stephen 1:42

Thanks for having me once again.

Marie 1:46

Uh okay, so we do have a few questions, but this is more of like a conversation type thing. Uh so like I told him before we started recording, like he could talk as much or as little as he wanted to, and and as long as he answers my questions. Okay, so 10 years of marriage. If you could describe our marriage in one word right now, what would it be? And and I'm just gonna preface this by he has not seen any of these questions that I've written down. So his his answers are gonna be 100% authentic. I have no idea what he's gonna say.

Stephen 2:29

Roller coaster.

Marie 2:31

Roller coaster? Is that one word? Or is that two?

Stephen 2:36

I mean, I don't know. I feel like it's yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:40

So why why roller coaster? Why do you why did you pick that?

Speaker 1 2:46

Because like everything else in life, it has its ups and its downs, and you know, you have your smooth spots and your rough spots, but you get through it and you keep going.

Speaker 2:57

Yeah, yeah, okay, I like that. Well, we both know marriage is already something that takes work without having any added challenges to add along with it. But whenever you add in stress and exhaustion, I think is a biggie for us. Uh therapy's constantly trying to like make the right decision based on like what kind of treatment Evie's getting, and like, are we doing the right thing? And just the weight of caring for a child that has extra needs, like it can stretch your relationship in ways that you never expected. I know I know I feel that way. What do you think?

Speaker 1 3:49

I agree, and I think like adding another child was like a big stressor too, because like once you get into a routine of oh man, yeah, you know how it is, and everything's just clicking along, and then all of a sudden it's like, wham.

Speaker 4:05

Yeah, I had a lot of well, okay. I feel like we all had a lot of anxiety before Jack was born for lots of different reasons. One, because of the birth trauma that we had the first time around, uh, you know, and and all of that. I thought that added stress. Uh, but also, and I know we talked about this before Jack was born, but like, like you said, like we got into such a good groove and a good routine, and we were like the three musketeers, and we like we, you know, we had such a good groove, I guess. And I was so anxious about adding Jack in. Now, obviously, you know, we were like, I mean, it's gonna happen, you know. We don't really have a choice. He's he's coming. Uh, but uh, but yeah, what do you think? I mean, I th I feel like that kind of explains a little bit more about what you were talking about.

Speaker 1 5:13

But any anything else that you I feel like we're we can bagging to a groove pretty good now.

Speaker 5:19

Yeah, it took a little time, but we got it.

Speaker 1 5:22

The the s sleep deprivation um of having a baby in combination with a child that has you know night terrors and doesn't sleep very good was kind of kind of kind of a curveball. Yeah. Um like I literally just got back in the room because our daughter got out of bed and wanted to come in our room and uh went in there and laid with her until she fell asleep.

Speaker 5:54

Yeah, I mean she just has those nights, which tonight was one of those nights where she is just she's so tired, but like she just cannot make her body or her brain settle. And it's like she gets the more tired she gets, the worse it gets because it's like a spiral. And it's like she's like, and I feel like every kid like fights sleep, but with Evie, I feel like it's even more so because it's like it's just like a spiral. And sometimes I just want to like you know, put her in a bear hug until she falls asleep, because it's like if she would just be still long enough, I feel like she would fall asleep, but she just won't be still.

Speaker 1 6:42

Yeah, that's like one of the things. Like when I go in there, she'll lay down and snuggle up beside me and she'll sack out.

Speaker 6:49

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's definitely been seasons, and whenever Jack was first born and we were dealing with like newborn baby sleep deprivation and autism sleep deprivation, like there's definitely been seasons like that where we're just in survival mode. And I feel like, especially the first six months of Jack being here, we were in survival mode for sure. Um, you know, we've had conversations that revolved around logistics, like I'm gonna go, you know, we've definitely had to kind of divide and conquer. Uh, you know, I'm gonna go do this and you're gonna go do that kind of thing. Um, we've definitely had both days where we're both just zombies, we're so tired, and where connection didn't really come easily for the two of us because we're just so wrapped up in everything else that's going on in the house. And I think that that's something that a lot of couples experience, but maybe just don't always talk about. So, how do you feel like this journey has affected our marriage?

Speaker 1 8:09

I definitely overall think it's made it a lot stronger. I mean, we've kind of had to work together more so, I think, than most parents.

Speaker 8:23

Yeah.

Speaker 1 8:24

In the sense of like kids with autism, it's just a different it's just a different thing. I mean, k kids with special needs in general. Like it's it's it's work and it it's like a marriage, it takes two.

Speaker 8:45

Yeah. It definitely it definitely is a lot of work and I feel like you know, from the outside looking in, you don't always see it. And because Evie is like she's pretty high functioning for the most part, and in most things, I mean she's she's pretty verbal, even though she still has some verbal like limitations that she's working through, but she is pretty verbal and can tell us a lot more than what she used to be able to tell us, that's for sure. Uh but I I feel like as you know, an outsider looking in, maybe you don't always see it. You're like, oh, well, maybe, you know, she kind of wonders and you know, she has a hard time focusing, but you know, at least she's able to talk, and and so people don't really always see the hard times, you know. And I mean, we don't really always show it to people either on the outside. You know, sometimes we'll just not go to things because we know that that would be a meltdown, or we know that that would be really rough to try and take two kids to, you know, go do something like, you know. So I feel like we don't always show it to people too, just because we know it would it's not like taking a neurotypical six-year-old uh to something, you know, with their toddler baby brother.

Speaker 1 10:21

Yeah, for an example of that, I took took her like 45 minutes away to a birthday party and I had to preface like we will leave if you want to leave after we get there. If you want to stay, we'll come home. And within like three minutes of walking in the door, all right, I want to go home. And and managed to stay for about another ten minutes, but then she was she was ready to go, and I was like, all right, I'm out.

Speaker 10:53

Yeah.

Speaker 1 10:54

We had to come back home.

Speaker 10:56

And there's times, there's times where that's definitely what we gotta do. I mean, just like you said, that's just what we gotta do. But then there's also times when I feel like we both try to like push her out of her comfort zone a little bit. So because there's there's times when we've been places and she's been like, I want to go home, I wanna go home. And then like five minutes later, she's like having the best time ever, you know, dancing and jumping around and and having a great time.

Speaker 1 11:27

Yeah, it's like if you I don't know, take her somewhere with like uh her an incentive like to target and like yeah, the big thing is like you gotta go around and shop and do everything before you go to get that toy or whatever because as soon as you have that toy in her hands, she is fixated. She is all right, let's check out and go home so I can open it. Yeah, like that's it, it's done.

Speaker 11:56

Yep, yeah. We definitely have when we were in Ohio a couple weeks ago and we were doing our indoor, one of our indoor tracking sessions was in Walmart. We told Evie, like, yeah, you can get, I don't remember what it was, some kind of toy or something. And and I was like, Yes, you can you can get whatever that is, but we're gonna we have to do this part first. And it was like as soon as the tracking part was over, she was like, Okay, toy time. So it was like one track mine, she was like, We we you said we after we did this, I could go get my toy. So after we did the tracking, she was like, Toy, it's time for a toy. So uh yeah, for sure. So yeah, I mean, I definitely feel like we have figured out ways to work around, you know, and and and like you said, give her incentives, you know, and and figured out kind of times when we need to give, not I don't want to say give in, but like where we like if she says she wants to go home, we're like, okay, cool, we're gonna go home. Or whenever we try to like push her a little bit more. And you know, this journey has not been without challenges for us as a couple. I mean, we've had our days too, where you know, nothing either one of us says is like landing right, you know, like we we process things differently, we respond to stress differently, uh, and there's definitely been very hard moments in our relationship over the past 10 years for sure. Uh there so the verses for today come out of Colossians and Ecclesiastes, and there's a verse in Colossians uh that I think about often whenever we argue, because it it's one of the things that I like try to come back and reflect on. Uh, but it talks about making allowances for others' faults and that God forgave us. So we must also forgive other people. And I think that it's important to remember that if the creator of the whole universe can find a way to forgive me for all the sins that I've done, all the you know, things that I've done, then surely I can forgive you for not throwing away an empty Pop-Tart box or something. Um, but like I said, we price this things really differently. I'm more confrontational. I want to argue my my point. I should have been a lawyer, um, but I want to argue my point and I want to hash it all out and get my anger out, you know, and and and you're the opposite of that, I feel like. Uh so how do you think that that's worked for us? Taking some time to think about that one.

Speaker 1 15:23

Yeah, you said it. I thought I think about it before I say it.

Speaker 15:27

Yeah.

Speaker 1 15:28

Uh I mean.

Speaker 15:31

I'm definitely the louder of the two.

Speaker 1 15:35

I think it's a good thing in a way, because that's one of the things I love about you is the fact that you are so passionate and you want to like a nice way to put it, passionate. I mean, you want to get it out there and like, but I just like what's the problem? Let's fix it. Like, what what can we do to fix it? Yeah.

Speaker 15:59

I feel like you're more task, like task oriented, and I'm more like, this is why I feel this way. I want you to see my I want you to see my point of view and understand like my perspective, I feel like. And you're more of like, okay, there's a problem, let's just fix it. Do you agree with that?

Speaker 1 16:25

Yeah, I would say you're more looking for for me to acknowledge your emotions.

Speaker 16:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see that.

Speaker 1 16:35

Not really try and solve the problem.

Speaker 16:38

Yeah, yeah. I yeah, sometimes I just want I mean, sometimes I do want you to solve the problem. Yeah, but sometimes I just want you to listen.

Speaker 1 16:47

Yeah. I mean, uh I've I've been working on it for for about 10 years. Plus.

Speaker 16:56

Um, I think over time that we have learned something really important. And I've even seen this. I've well, I've seen this throughout our marriage, but I've seen this even more so since Jack has been born, I feel like. But it's not about being perfect. Like we don't have to be per neither one of us are perfect, we're never gonna be perfect. It's not about that, it's about showing up, it's about staying connected with each other, even though it's you know, I'm maybe ticked off at you, or you may be ticked off at me. Like, we're still there. Like, I know we'll so we'll have nights, some nights, you know, we're like maybe it was just like a rough couple of days, and uh we're not the happiest with each other, but we'll still I'm still the big spoon. You're still the little spoon. Which is funny because Steven's like, you know, way taller than I am. Or you know what I mean? Like, even though we're mad at each other, we'll still snuggle up next to each other, and I think that's important. Yeah, I think that speaks to our growth as a couple because I feel like whenever we first started dating and we first got married, if we had an argument, I'd be like, don't talk to me for two days, don't touch me, don't even look in my direction for like at least a day.

Speaker 1 18:32

Valid.

Speaker 18:32

Yeah, yeah. I needed some time to get over it. So, how do you think that we've grown as a couple over the last 10 years?

Speaker 1 18:47

I think focus has changed more so than I don't think we worry about the little things as much as we used to.

Speaker 19:01

Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 19:02

I think it's more like big picture things, like long-term things. At least for me.

Speaker 19:09

Yeah, no, I I agree. I agree with that. And I feel like I feel like we we've like mellowed out the older we've gotten. Like, for instance, story time. Sunday. I think you probably know what exactly I would say. But Sunday, we get okay, so Sundays leaving church are like awful for us. Because at least one kid is crying. So if you go to church with us and you're listening to this and you have seen us walking out to the parking lot, and like both of our kids act like they're being kidnapped by a random stranger, it's just that's just a normal Sunday because they I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is about Sundays leaving church. It's like getting both of them in the car. It's like trying to bathe a cat. It is awful. And they're both crying. Evie gets set off because Jack hates to be in his car seat. And so trying to put him in his car seat after church, he just gets so ticked off. And then Evie gets upset because Jack is upset. And so then she starts crying. Well, then she's crying, and then Jack is still crying, and so usually we're just like driving down the road, and both of and me and Steven are both just kind of like stone stonefaced, and the kids are just like screaming their heads off in the back. And so, like this Sunday, this past Sunday, same thing, you know, just like usual. And we were going to eat uh Mexican after church, and and we just both started laughing in on the drive. I mean, the Mexican place that we go to is like five minutes, 10 minutes away from the church, something like that. It's it's a pretty short drive. And so we're leaving the parking lot, both the kids are screaming their heads off, and we're just like laughing like a couple of crazy people driving down the road um to the Mexican place. But then by the time we got there, they were fine. So, well, I say they were fine. Jack was fine as soon as I got him out of the car seat, and then Evie was fine because she had chips and cheese dip.

Speaker 1 21:39

So which amazingly enough, get her cheese dip and she barely eats any of it. She doesn't, she wants it. She wants it, she wants to see it. She wants to see it, but as far as eating it goes, not so much.

Speaker 21:54

Unless it's got chili powder on it. That girl will put like five pounds of chili powder on. on her chips and her cheese dip. But it I don't I don't know why. But she likes the chips. But she I don't know. Anyway. So back to uh our episode. Little side quest there. So next question. What is something that you appreciate about me as a mom?

Speaker 1 22:26

That no matter what you're gonna show up you're gonna be there you're gonna be available for them.

Speaker 22:35

Oh thanks thanks I didn't know that I appreciate that I see you thanks thanks dog thanks bro thanks that was weird thanks babe thanks babe bro dog babe uh so what I appreciate about you is and I kind of already said this but how playful you are with them I know like you're the fun you're the fun one and I'm like the you know I'm the hammer you're the like the the fun parent and I'm like the strict one uh but it's so nice to see you like really focusing on them and playing with them and just how deep you love them and and also you show up for them too as well like and I really appreciate that you will be at a program or a dance recital or you know whatever they have you know going on you're gonna be there so another question that I had is how has your faith played a role in how you've handled everything well it definitely grew a lot when Evie was born for sure yeah for sure that I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life up until that point agreed that was uh I was still praying while you were unconscious yeah but um yeah that was that was a big moment and then the whole months and months of waiting for her to come home and then praying that she would uh sleep through the night yeah yeah sleep longer than 30 minutes yeah because that was rough yeah we had shifts we had uh one of us would take her from six to midnight and the other one take her from midnight to six a m yeah because it was like if you weren't holding she has really bad reflux whenever she was a baby after she came home for the NICU and if you weren't like holding her then she really would not sleep for longer than like 30 minutes and anytime like that we put her down we tried all the things we tried different formulas we tried like a wedge up under her ear we tried like all the different things but it was like for a solid probably month or two after she came home it was bad it was bad bad uh but then I feel like after uh after a few months it got a little bit better we kind of got a handle on it but the first definitely the first month after she came home was one of the roughest months of my life so what do you think yeah and then then uh then the whole Jack being born and everything went smooth until it didn't and uh his O2 started dropping and then they had to take it out when he was like in the hospital when he was born oh my gosh yeah yeah so then there was PTSD from that oh my gosh yeah so that was that was something and um yeah I do feel yeah I mean we talked about it in the last time that you were on on uh yeah I do feel like we both in that moment like whenever they had to take him to the NICU both of us just kind of had like a freak out or it was like a we were like frozen kind of like we're and and we're just like everybody get out. Yeah first first thing I did is like looked at you and I was like all right everybody out yeah leave yeah and we just needed we just needed to like be alone but with each other yeah so that we could kind of like have a come apart and we did have a come apart together uh but we just needed and I and you know thinking about about it now like that I feel like was was a really kind of growth moment for our marriage because it wasn't like we isolated ourselves it was like we I we isolated together yeah uh but that's I mean that's important I think I feel I feel like that shows like what a team we are we should just go with that for now and say instead of you want to be alone you say we we need to be alone we'll start yelling by we need to be alone well I think one of the biggest things for me is realizing that we are not the same people that we were 10 years ago I mean really we're not we've grown up together I feel like over the past 10 years which we were we were grown when we got married I was 30 you were 28 whenever we got married and so we were already adults we're already grown but I feel like emotionally spiritually for sure um but emotionally and spiritually we've we've grown up together over the past 10 years and a lot of that growth has come through those hard seasons through the Evie being born and Jack being born and you know all the you know job changes and house changes and just all the different hard things that we've gone through together you know have have changed us as individuals but but it's also changed our relationship and and grown our marriage. So uh the major scripture that we have for this um episode is Ecclesiastes four nine through ten and just to summarize it just basically says that two are better than one if one falls the other can help them up and I think that's such a picture of what marriage is meant to be it's not supposed to be perfect. It's not it's not always going to be easy uh but being supportive being there for one another being steady and committed and like you said always showing up for each other is what is important and some things that I think that have helped us are giving each other grace on hard days. I feel like you do this better than I do for sure um like you know whenever I'm having like a bad day you kind of step in and I feel like we kind of did this with with whenever Jack was born too but like not both it's very rare that both of us freak out at the same time like usually if one of us is having a bad day or one of us is having a freak out the other one kind of steps in and is like okay I'm gonna kind of take control here and and handle things. I definitely feel like you do that for sure. And whenever we were in Ohio I know like the first couple of days I was so overwhelmed and like Jack was here in Mississippi and he had gotten sick while we were gone he's never sick but of course whenever we were gone he got sick and I was just having like a really hard time those first few days and I feel like you really stepped up in that moment and you're like okay like this is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna take Evie we're gonna go to Walmart or you know we're gonna go to the park or whatever and and like you cook supper you know you would he Steven when we're in Ohio like he would cook supper and if y'all know anything about us you know he does not do the cooking hardly ever the infamous water chicken incident that will live water chicken that will so good no lived off the water chicken for like three years. No living infamy. But yeah I definitely think giving each other grace on those hard days and like stepping up and and and you know helping out whenever you know the other person is having a hard time is so important. Also communicating even when it's not perfect. I know I 100% know that the way that I say things all the time is not the best way especially whenever I'm upset. I say things that just it's like my brain to mouth filter just like disappears. It just if I think it is coming out especially if I'm mad and that's not a great thing to to have it's something that I constantly have to work on. But also remembering that we're on the same team like we're not against each other we're we're on the same team and finding small ways to stay connected whether it's you know snuggling up at the end of the night or making a cup of coffee. I mean literally Steven right before we did this uh and and he was getting Evie to sleep he came into the kitchen and I was like or this was before this was before it was after she was asleep. Oh it was okay uh I was like I think I want a cup of coffee sometimes I mean I can drink coffee whenever I used to work night shift and so I feel like I can drink coffee like 24 hours a day uh but I was like I want a cup of coffee and I mean he started making my coffee you know he started getting the water ready for my coffee and so it's just little things like that that I feel like are important in the marriage. Or like I've tried to something that I've tried to do especially over the past like few months I try I used to try to do it all the time but then when Jack was born I kind of got out of the habit of it but now I try to do it again is like make fixing your plate for supper. Like I I used to try to fix all the time but now I try to fix it more I you know or I try to think about it more about fixing your plate and having you a plate. So just little things like that I think are important to stay connected to each other and like show that you care and that you love each other. And even like right now in this season with Pearl like there's excitement but there's also more waiting and we're walking through that together and we're gonna walk through whenever she gets here next week we're gonna walk through that process too so if you're listening and your marriage feels strained or disconnected or you're just tired uh I just I want you to know that you're not alone in that and I'd love to hear from you what has helped you stay connected to your spouse in this journey marriage in this season isn't always easy but it's worth investing in and I feel like both of us have tried not maybe at the same time always but I feel like we've both tried to invest in our marriage and I'm really grateful that we get to do this together. I I wouldn't want to do this with anybody else same same anything else that you want to say before we go to the Lord in prayer if you have to 11 hour car drive just fly get the tickets just get the tickets yeah yeah I feel like if so we had our 10 year anniversary last week but we haven't done anything because we just got back from Ohio and I haven't even talked to you about this yet but like next year we talked about taking a trip just the two of us and I'm pretty sure we're gonna be flying if we go somewhere that's like far off like if we go to I don't know somewhere like I don't know we're not driving is what I know is what I know we're gonna fly somewhere and and rent a car what do you think 5050 we'll see we'll see all right well we're gonna close out today in prayer so heavenly father thank you for the gift of marriage thank you for the ways that you bring two people together not in perfection but in partnership Lord as we reflect on the years behind us we thank you for the growth for the ways that we've changed matured and learned through each season thank you that we don't have to have it all figured out that we can grow together with you at the center God in the middle of this parenting journey the stress the exhaustion the unknowns help us to stay connected to each other and to you help us to be patient with one another to extend grace when it's hard to communicate with kindness and humility remind us that we're on the same team and Lord when we feel stretched thin or tired draw us back to you be the foundation that we stand on the strength that we lean on and the peace that holds us together thank you for the gift of growing not just as individuals but together we trust you with our marriages our families and every season ahead in Jesus' holy and precious name we pray amen thank you so much for spending this time with us on Holy Ground Parenting today babe thank you for being here and for sharing your heart it really means a lot if this episode encouraged you we'd love for you to join us over in the Holy Ground Parenting Facebook group where we're we're continuing these conversations and supporting each other in this journey please share your stories there if you feel comfortable and you know just let us know if there's anything that you want us to pray for you we we would be honored to do that. And if you haven't already it would mean so much if you left a quick review on whatever platform you're listening on. It helps more parents find the space. And as always we just want to remind you that you don't have to do this perfectly you just have to keep showing up we're so grateful you're here. Do you want to say anything else before we sign off no I'm good you're good all right we'll see you next time